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Cultivating Curiosity Over Judgment

How do we help our children navigate big feelings and develop lifelong resilience? In the first of our three-part series, Lower School Counselor Ali Le Vine Pugsley shared powerful insights on meeting kids where they are, practicing active listening, and building a foundation of emotional regulation. Her presentation helped parents to discover actionable ways to support their children through curiosity, connection, and a growth mindset. 

Raising Resilient Kids
When our children navigate the emotional ups and downs of growing up, our instinct as parents is often to step in, fix the problem, or steer them toward happiness. However, as Lower School Counselor Ali Le Vine Pugsley shared during the first of the three-part Ranney Ready series, the most meaningful support we can offer doesn't come from fixing or judging—it comes from approaching our children with genuine curiosity and wonder.

By learning to meet children where they are developmentally, parents can build deeper connections and plant the seeds for long-term emotional resilience.

Children process and express emotions differently depending on their age. Understanding these distinct developmental stages allows us to respond in ways that truly resonate. For example, children ages 3-6 are often still learning the vocabulary for complex feelings. At this stage, tools like color-coded beads help them visually identify and share how they are feeling inside. As our students reach first grade and beyond, we transition them towards using words to articulate their emotional feelings and experiences to equip them with the ability to express themselves verbally.

When opening the floor for kids to share, how we ask matters just as much as what we ask. Aim to stay calm and neutral, avoiding leading questions that might project your own assumptions onto them. Leaving questions open-ended gives children the space to accurately identify and share their own emotions.
Children are far more likely to thrive academically, socially, and emotionally when they have at least one parent consistently showing up for them. Central to this connection is the concept of a "quality presence," built on four essential pillars: Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure.

A vital part of making children feel seen is active listening. Kids are constantly reading our reactions to what they share. When they feel heard without immediate judgment or panic, it directly influences what they choose to share.

Furthermore, a soothed child knows they will never have to suffer alone. Providing a soothing environment doesn't mean insulating your child from difficulty or creating a life of friction-free ease; it means actively teaching them how to cope when obstacles inevitably arise.

The ultimate goal of emotional regulation isn't to be happy all the time—it's normal and healthy to experience a wide spectrum of emotions throughout the day. The true objective is learning how to navigate those feelings effectively so they don't overpower us.

Parents can help children access their personal "toolbox" of coping strategies in a few practical ways:
  • Reflect on past successes: Prompt them gently by asking, "What’s another time you were in this zone, and what did you do that helped?"
  • Connect to their passions: Draw parallels to things they love. For instance: "I noticed your favorite soccer player always takes a few deep breaths before taking a big shot."
  • Normalize everyday ups and downs: Remind them that both expected and unexpected events will happen throughout any given day.
As parents, it can be painful to watch our children struggle, but growth lives directly inside discomfort. Children should view their parents as allies who help them walk through challenges, rather than rescuers who eliminate them.

Adopting a growth mindset is key here:
  • Praise effort over results: Recognize the hard work, strategy, and persistence your child puts in, rather than focusing solely on the final outcome.
  • Encourage empathy: Prompt your child to think about how others involved in a situation might have felt.
  • Model the behavior: Demonstrate open-ended curiosity and emotional regulation in your own day-to-day life.
The intentional seeds we plant now set the stage for our children’s long-term development. Embracing the discomfort today prepares them to handle whatever tomorrow brings with confidence, empathy, and strength.
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Ranney School

235 Hope Road
Tinton Falls, NJ 07724
Tel. 732.542.4777
Our mission is to know and value every child, nurturing intellectual curiosity and confidence, and inspiring students to lead honorably, think creatively, and contribute meaningfully to society. 

We envision Ranney School as a nurturing learning community, in which families, faculty, alumni, and all of Ranney’s constituents collaborate to know and value every child, foster individual talents, sustain powerful connections between children and adults, and graduate resilient, globally-minded citizens.